A Royal Mix-Up 

Your Majesty, the French ambassador’s here. He’s got a gift. Smells like cheese.”

“Cheese? Again? Lord Pembroke, did I not say I’m lactose intolerant?”

“You did, Sire, but the French seem to think cheese is diplomacy.”

“Ugh, very well. Send him in. And fetch me a fan. This court already stinks of intrigue.”

“Ambassador Dubois, Your Majesty! Bow, you daft man, bow!”

“Mon roi, I present ze finest Roquefort, aged in ze caves of—”

“Enough, Dubois! Did your king not get my letter? I can’t stomach dairy!”

“Oh, mon dieu! Ze letter said you adore ze fromage!”

“Adore? Pembroke, who wrote that blasted letter?”

“Not me, Sire! Probably Sir Humphrey. He’s got the handwriting of a drunken scribe.”

“Drunken? I’ll have you know my script is elegant, Pembroke!”

“Humphrey, you old goat, did you tell France I love cheese?”

“I… may have said you’re fond of their ‘culture,’ Sire. Must’ve been mistranslated.”

“Mistranslated? My bowels will mistranslate your head from your shoulders!”

“Your Majesty, please, ze Roquefort is a symbol of peace!”

“Peace? It’s a weapon! One bite, and I’ll be throne-bound for days!”

“Ha! Throne-bound! Oh, Sire, you’re too much!”

“Quiet, Pembroke! Dubois, take your cheese and shove it—er, kindly return it to France.”

“But, mon roi, ze gift is tradition! Refuse, and it’s war!”

“War? Over cheese? This is absurd. Where’s my fool? I need a laugh.”

“Here, Sire! Shall I juggle or jest?”

“Jest, you ninny! Make me forget this dairy disaster.”

“Right, Sire! Why’d the French send cheese to court?”

“Not now, fool!”

“Because they heard you’re a grate king!”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake. Pembroke, is the Spanish ambassador due next?”

“Aye, Sire. Tomorrow. Rumor is, they’re bringing a pig.”

“A pig? Alive or roasted?”

“Alive, Sire. They think you fancy exotic pets.”

“Pets? I’m running a kingdom, not a menagerie! Who’s writing these letters?”

“Er… probably Humphrey again, Sire.”

“Humphrey! You’re demoted to stable boy!”

“But, Sire, I’m allergic to hay!”

“And I’m allergic to nonsense! Dubois, take your cheese and go. Tell your king to send wine next time.”

“Wine? Oh, oui, oui! Ze finest Bordeaux!”

“Good. Now, someone find me a scribe who can spell ‘no cheese’ in French!”

“Sire, I volunteer! I’m fluent in ‘non fromage’!”

“Pembroke, you’re not helping. Fool, another jest. Quick!”

“Why’d the king ban cheese?”

“Enough! I’m banning fools next!”

“Oh, Sire, you’d miss my charm!”

“Charm? You’re about as charming as this Roquefort. Out, all of you! And someone air out this court!”

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Dialogue Only Writing Contest contest entry